Being young, queer, and navigating life at a transitional time

Posts tagged ‘forgiveness’

Forgiveness

I’ve been hurt something terrible in my past relationships. I’ve been to a depression so deep that I hated the sunrise because it meant having to drag myself through another day.  I hated her for breaking my heart.  I hated myself for being so open to her to the point where she was able to hurt me that way. I hated my heart for being broken in 1,000 pieces instead of 999 so it would hurt just that much less. It was a rough time and there just didn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

The time has passed quickly and the pain has faded.  I’ve met and fell in love with a wonderful new woman.  It’s easy to feel like the past hurt and relationship are closed  because you don’t feel that crippling sting whenever you think about the situation anymore.  The question is “do you forgive yourself and the ex for the situation?” and “do you even have to?”

I live in one of the biggest cities in the world but it truly resembles a small town when you want to avoid someone.  I’ve literally bumped into my ex more times than is normal in a city of 10 million.  I won’t think about her for months and BAM! – randomly see her in Harlem or Union Square or on the train.  I took that to be the Universe’s way of shaking me and telling me that I had unfinished business.

Soon I started to notice how the scars left by that relationship were affecting me and JR’s relationship.  I always suspected her of having ulterior motives because underneath it all, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of being genuinely loved.  She had to want me for another reason.  I didn’t feel like I deserved more than that.  My logical self knew that was wrong but my emotional self was just so damaged.

A and KD initially planted the seeds of forgiveness in my mind but I was resisting.  It finally took root when my (so much wiser)  grandmother very simply told me that forgiveness equals freedom.  It releases you spiritually.  That’s all I needed to hear.  It all clicked. I forgave her for what she did but most importantly, I forgave myself for my part in the downfall of the relationship and for loving such a damaged individual.  I had to.  Otherwise, I couldn’t enjoy my current relationship in all its richness.  It would be the equivalent of strolling along the most beautiful beach in the world in a sweat suit rather than frolicking in my bathing suit (or knowing me, in the nude).

So the journey of forgiveness has been a rough one.  Although I truly feel no animosity for my past and have come along on this path, it’s still a daily struggle but definitely worth it. I love and experience love a little more honestly every day. 🙂

I was inspired to share this today because I came home realizing that I still had my engagement ring from my last relationship.  It was exquisite and I loved it but I had to let it go (for many reasons) — so I pawned it.  I got pennies for it but I still think I came out of the deal free and richer than I did when I went into the pawn shop.  🙂

Shaina