Being young, queer, and navigating life at a transitional time

Faith

I haven’t been writing lately because I’ve been going through some very personal struggles.  It’s just been an extremely difficult time. However, this blog isn’t to vent about that.  I decided to write about Faith.  That’s a very interesting topic for me since I’m considered to be not a “person of faith” (which I think is a very misleading but interesting phrase).  No I’m not religious but I believe that faith isn’t reserved for a god or a religion —  you can have faith in worldly things.  For example, I have faith in the strength of me and my father’s relationship and I know that if I was ever in need, I have faith in the fact that he’d drop whatever he’s doing to be at my side.

It’s more concrete than hoping, wishing, and praying.  It’s more connected to your soul and deep down than just knowing something.  Think about it — if I said something like, “When I’m going through a tough time in life, I hope that my friends will be around to pick me up”, that sounds wishy-washy.  If I said, “When I’m going through a tough time in life, I know that my friends will be around to pick me up”, people will give you the side eye and question you about how you KNOW these things.  However, if I said, “When I’m going through a tough time in life, I have faith that my friends will be around to pick me up”, who will question that?

You can’t question faith.  That is the great thing about it. I spent a lot of my life questioning other people’s faiths and realizing that it’s a losing battle because if someone deeply believes something for whatever reason, who are you to question it? So I’ve embraced that concept and decided to work with it.  Since I’ve realized the power of faith, I’ve realized that there are very few things that I have faith in.  I have faith in my friends, who were so supportive during these weeks of uncertainty.  My friend “A” gave me a stern talking to that I both needed to hear and dreaded hearing at the same time.  It was blunt and honest but she didn’t kick me while I was down or give me the “I told you so”. I vented, she listened.  I told her the whole story to because I had faith that instead of a judgement, I’d get advice and love in exchange and that’s exactly what I got. I spoke to “M” and she knows the whole story too.  I told her because, again, I had faith that she would not judge and she’s good at hearing me vent.  “M” listened and reaffirmed me of my worth and told me that there is a difference between compromising and settling and to figure out which side I’m on.  My co-workers were surprisingly supportive.  I would never tell them my business in the real world but after walking into work crying and breaking down in tears a handful of times at my desk, they got the edited version of the story.  They sent me texts messages throughout the night, telling me that I’m strong and wonderful and if they can help in anyway, even if I needed to get out the house, they offered me room and board, liquor, a rant session, everything.  I believed them and had faith that if I called in on one of those offers, it would’ve been provided with no additional questions asked.  I didn’t tell Nic or K what was happening but they didn’t need to know.  I had faith that they would just take care of me anyway and they did.  They saw it on my face or heard it in my voice and distracted me from it.  I love them so much for that.  After a while, you get tired of talking about it or thinking about it so you just want to run away from it.  So these ladies took me out and talked to me about any and everything but that.

I have faith in my family.  They are some seriously flawed individuals but they love me endlessly.  My dad and step-mom are some amazing people.  We don’t always agree on stuff but they are there for me, night or day, and I am convinced that they can feel me.  The day that was the climax of craziness, my dad called me and my step-mom called me and texted me all day.  I didn’t tell them anything.  They just called to say hello.  Texted me saying “hey I just wanted to check up on you. r u ok?” My dad called to ask when I’m coming by the house because he said that they all missed me and needed my physical presence.  My siblings are the light of my life.  We are all living our lives but I have faith that when I truly need them, I can get my sisters on a conference call to bitch and moan about our lives or to get the army on my side.  I have faith that if we ever aligned our powers, us girls could really change the world.  My brothers while they are too young (and frankly, are boys), I have faith that whenever it’s needed, I can get a wonderful and warm hug from them.  They’re getting older so I’m hoping that they don’t outgrow my hugs.  That would make me sad.

Other things that I have faith in is that the Universe conspires for the better of good people. I’m a good person so I try to go with the current wave that my life is on.  It may hurt and may cause me to make difficult decisions but I acknowledge that and am preparing myself for that in advance.  I have faith that whatever happens, I will end up exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Love and light,

Shaina

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Comments on: "Faith" (1)

  1. I am glad that you are getting support from so many sources. Things can be hard and processing can hard as well. Just know that I am here to support you and I always have a listening ear and an open heart.

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